Mona is an FRCS Board member and serves on the Community Committee.
Graduation is in the air! Capstones, finals, and awards, all woven together with plans to celebrate 13 years of effort by both students and parents. The Board was delighted to honor these graduates at a Breakfast on May 2.
Perhaps you have had a child graduate from high school, perhaps this is your first time, perhaps you have a junior or senior high child who will be graduating in the blink of an eye! My oldest, CJ, graduated from FRCS last year. It was an amazing time in his life and ours, filled with firsts and making lasting memories. But what I’d like to focus on is the often-emotional piece that follows . . . releasing your high school student into the wide world on their own.
Whether they’re going off to college or trade school, entering the work force, taking a gap year, or are undecided, there is something poignant about them completing high school and entering into adulthood. To varying extents, they will make their own way, without the daily input and supervision of a parent.
In theory, it sounds great. We poured into them for years, partnered with our wonderful school to prepare them in knowledge and faith to navigate this world. But I sometimes found a gap between my head and my heart . . . anxiousness, unanswered questions: Did we do enough? Is he ready? What if . . .? What if . . .? And, what if . . .?
There are great practical articles to read, e.g., “Expect and Accept a Changed Relationship as Your Child Prepares to Separate from You,” “Concentrate on What You Did Right,” “Open Lines of Communication,” “Be a Safe Place,” all of which I read—and about a thousand more! But what most allowed me to move through the process of my son leaving home was beyond an article I read on the internet or advice from others. Let me tell you the story.
God blessed me with His word in my first FRCS Board meeting. I joined the Board the summer of CJ’s graduation. The board does a devotional to start each meeting from A.W. Tozer’s writings. The first meeting’s devotion was “The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing,” from The Pursuit of God.
Tozer says:
“There is within the human heart a tough fibrous root of fallen life whose nature is to possess. It covets things with a deep and fierce passion. The pronouns of ‘my’ and ‘mine’ look innocent enough in print, but their constant and universal use is significant. Things have become necessary to us, a development never originally intended. God’s gifts now take priority over the gift of God.”
As I read, studied, and listened to Mr. Cooper as he presented at our meeting, it was convicting. I began to identify things that had become priority over God without really realizing it—MY desires, MY money, MY time. But here, I’d like to concentrate on Tozer’s suggestion (and my experience) of viewing my children as possessions.
I was lead to this when Tozer references the story of Abraham and God, and Abraham being asked to sacrifice his son. Our parental hearts weep at the possibility when we read this well-known story. But Tozer took it to a deep place for me. He writes,
“Abraham was old when Isaac was born, old enough to have been his grandfather, and the child became at once a delight and the idol of his heart. From the moment that he first stooped to take the tiny form awkwardly in his arms, he was an eager love slave of his son. God went out of his way to comment on the strength of this affection. And it is not hard to understand. The baby represented everything sacred to his father’s heart: the promises of God, the covenants, the hopes of the years and the long messianic dream. As he watched him grow from babyhood to young manhood, the old man’s heart was knit closer and closer with the life of his son, till at last the relationship bordered on perilous. It was then that God stepped in to save both father and son from the consequences of uncleared love.”
I had never thought of my deep love for my children as being “perilous.” But I realized after Tozer’s prompting, that my love for the gift of children was possibly exceeding my love for God. God wants to remain unchallenged in my heart. They are not MY children and MY possession, but HIS. They are not for me to possessively cling to, but a loan from God to me.
Thank God that we are not asked to literally sacrifice our children, but Tozer makes us aware that God sooner or later brings us all to a test of releasing those things that have become perilous in our hearts. Had Abraham not passed this test, God would have used another man, but the loss to Abraham would have been beyond comprehension.
I know God loves that we enjoy and deeply cherish all of His gifts, especially the children He has loaned us. It is natural that there will be sadness and anxiousness when sending a child out into the world in a new way. Tozer acknowledges, “we are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety.” Isn’t that true for us as parents?
So how do we recognize that the treasure of our children can be confidently released to God, when every part of our human nature is to hang on tightly to them? Tozer writes, “the Christian who is alive enough to know himself even slightly will recognize the symptoms of this possession malady.”
Ugh. First, I had to recognize how much I was consumed by worry and doubt with my children, especially CJ going off to college. It can feel out of control and perpetual, and just when one worry subsides, more easily slide into its place. Recognizing the possession malady was a start.
Second, I know that to be able to trust Him completely with my children, I need to be immersed in His word. Scripture repeatedly commands us to fear not. Meditating on His written word, it begins to seep into my heart. It is an ongoing process and a discipline for me. Thank you, Father, that you are merciful and tender when I fail and stray. A few verses that speak to me about fear are:
“It is because of Yahweh’s loving kindness that we are not consumed, because his compassion doesn’t fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.” Isaiah 41:10.
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Matthew 6:27
And finally, I reflect on God’s love for my children. His ability to care for and guide them is so much greater than mine. I’m trying, and again, often failing, to embrace this new way of thinking—of course, coupled with prayer (both for my children and my husband and me as well, as we navigate the new challenges of releasing and trusting). Even when your kid surfs every day. Even when your kid sees a shark in the water!
In closing, I obviously haven’t found it easy! Our concern for our kids going into the world on their own can feel so stressful, particularly when we are hanging on to OUR children for dear life. But my Almighty—who sacrificed His beloved Son for me—is asking me to trust and release in this area of my life (as well as others). I know that His character, will, and covenant promises are immutable (unchangeable) and in that I can trust. I praise Him for showing me the lesson from “The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing,” at just the right time in my life, and I will continue to work toward putting my love for the Giver high above ANY of His gifts—it is still a work in progress.
Parents . . . Good luck and God bless. He’s got this more than we can possibly imagine!
