There is a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding about sexting—the act of taking a nude selfie and sending it to someone else—amongst teens. It is a scary concept for parents and one to which many teens think parents “way overreact.” Some experts say it is a normal part of teen “sexual exploration” while others fear it is a gateway to promiscuous behavior. If you’re interested in a pretty balanced article on the topic, see The Atlantic’s recent article Why Kids Sext: An inquiry into one recent scandal reveals how kids think about sexting—and what parents and police should do about it (note: the article is very honest, and while there is nothing inappropriate in it, it does contain some language that may be offensive to some), by Hanna Rosin. It’s a long read, but it provides some really valuable insights and does a good job of exploring some of the legalities and how tricky the topic can be for lawmakers and law enforcement.
Sidenote: Let me be clear about why I am writing this blog post. I have no reason to believe that there is a problem with sexting at Front Range Christian School. I may just be naive about it, but I have heard no rumors or reports that our students are engaged in this type of activity. However, FRCS is a community of imperfect people, and there is a chance that this sort of behavior might come up (or may already be happening). I’d like to think that any occurrences in our community would be minimal, but even if that is true, I think we as parents need to understand some of these issues so that if they do come up, we are prepared to address them.
One of the insights that really stood out in the article was this:
Sexts don’t create sexual dynamics; they reveal them. Parents should use the opportunity to find out what those dynamics are, lest they accidentally make things worse…Danah Boyd, the author of It’s Complicated, often talks about social media as a window into the teenage world. A parent who reacts purely by scaling up the restrictions is missing a chance to know what’s actually going on with their child, to know things that in previous eras would have stayed hidden from them…parents should take a deep breath—even in the most uncomfortable scenarios—and ask questions.”
I am a firm believer that talking to our children is the best way to approach parenting in the digital age. But we should be aware of how our kids might react to what we say. The article continues:
“A recent review of 10 official sexting-education campaigns concluded that all of them erred on the side of what the researchers called ‘abstinence’—that is, advising teens not to sext at all. These tend to link sexting tightly to ruinous consequences, but that’s a problem, because ruination doesn’t normally follow the sending of a sext. ‘If we present it as inevitable, then we’ve lost our audience,’ says Elizabeth Englander, who leads groups about sexting in middle and high schools, ‘because they know very well that in the vast majority of cases it doesn’t happen.’ If you say otherwise, ‘then the kids know immediately that you don’t know anything.’
“Instead, Englander eases kids into the dangers slowly. She usually starts out by talking about how in life, it’s sensible to avoid risk. You wear a seatbelt even though the chances of a fatal crash are slim. This way, she says, kids understand that she knows the risks of a picture getting out are rare, but they also understand that if it does get out, the effect on their social life and future could be catastrophic…”
As with many things, it is imperative that we maintain a healthy perspective on the things our children face, sometimes even reminding ourselves that while technology changes some things for our kids, many of the emotions and struggles they face are not that different from what we faced. It may manifest itself differently, but some of them are just part of growing up, discovering who you are as an individual, and learning how you fit into your community and society.
As I read this article, I thought about my own teenage years. I was an insecure girl who sought approval from my peers and teachers. I am shy enough that perhaps I could have easily said no, reminding peers that I hate to have my picture taken, but I really don’t know. While I’d like to think that I would’ve avoided sexting as a teen, I cannot say with great confidence that I would have had the technology been available—for one thing, I am no longer a teen, and I have too much experience to be able to think clearly about what I was like then; and for another, the technology was not available, so it’s difficult to say with any certainty what I would have done with it if it were.
So how should we approach our kids about this kind of topic (because certainly sexting is not the only “scary” thing out there that parents worry about)? Here are a few suggestions:
- Be a godly role model for your kids. Remember that they learn more by watching what we do than by listening to what we say. Actions speak louder than words, and our actions flow out of what is in our hearts. If our hearts are full of fear, then our actions reflect that. If our hearts are full of God’s grace and goodness, our actions will reflect that.
- Make sure your kids know that it’s safe to talk to you. It seems that teens are more likely to talk to parents or mentors who actually listen to what they have to say and who can empathize with what they’re going through—to know that they will be heard without being judged. This does not mean that you agree with everything they say…only that they know that you will really listen to them.
- Don’t immediately suspect the worst. Try to remember what it was like to be a teenager, and remind yourself that your child likely doesn’t want to make poor decisions—they just don’t yet have the experience to make the bestdecision.
- Be willing to ask questions before you make a decision. Try to understand where your child is coming from and what factors may have influenced his or her decision.
- Be reasonable in your response. Try not to overreact, and remind yourself that shutting everything down is not always the best response. It’s best to focus on the root of the problem not the symptom; for example, if your child has questions about his or her sexual identity, focus on that problem instead of removing their phone or shutting down their accounts. Inappropriate behavior is often a sign of a deeper issue that needs God’s healing. But you need to keep balance, because you don’t want to make up problems that aren’t actually there, either; some behavior is just teenage silliness. That’s why it’s important to ask questions and find out where your child is.
Sexting is that it is not always disastrous. The most public instances certainly seem that way, but the act does not always end with prison, humiliation, or the inability to get a job or into the school of your choice. But the truth about sexting is that it is not what God desires for us. It is not an unforgivable sin, but it is a sign that something else is broken, and God wants very much to redeem that something else.
